[Super Duper Fantastic] ISFP/INFP. 4w5. World Explorer. Super Hero. Rose-colored Glasses.

Friendships: What’s worth the time?

06.07.2009 · Posted in Random

In recent conversations I’ve had with some friends [separate instances], the value of time in relation to social interaction came up as the subject. They, of course, led to other tangents in my mind, and I’m using this as a place to jot down the non-linear, even nebulous, thought bubble. It made me think about two areas related – friendships and talking to strangers [another entry].

In terms of friendships, how much time is one willing to spend nurturing it and making it grow? What makes that particular friendship worth the time that could be spent on another friendship? Must you pick and choose?

I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. You encounter certain people in your life, and that such encounters are not without a purpose. Whether it is to make a huge impact, or just to enhance your experience, or to even lead you to other experiences, it all happens for a reason. Perhaps that is also why I have many acquaintances and for most of my life, felt spread across too many… not really bonding or engaging in friendships that last. I’d want to give everyone a bit of time, and then end up not giving any one person enough of the time.

Picking and choosing is not my forte. I want it all! But of course, it has to be done. Well then, how do you choose? For the consistent ones, it is easy. Dependable. Open. Two-way street. Make the effort. Consistently not any of those things, and it is easier to prioritize the energy spent. Like I was telling a friend, always a douchebag or asshole? EASY, unless I happened to be a glutton for punishment, and I sometimes am [it's a side effect of being optimistic].

It is the inconsistent ones that are hard to decipher. Some days, you can count on them. Other days, you won’t hear from them… What do you do then? Give them the benefit of the doubt and make the effort, wait around, or give up? Really hard to say. It’s like you’ve got 100% of your “friend time” in addition to “work time,” “self time,” “bodily functions time.” How do you distribute that “friend time” amongst the people you know? Do you give most of it to a few? Or do you spread it evenly over many? And of course, how do you decide?

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  • keaneiscool

    “I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. You encounter certain people in your life, and that such encounters are not without a purpose. Whether it is to make a huge impact, or just to enhance your experience, or to even lead you to other experiences, it all happens for a reason.”

    YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES.

    I agree :-)

  • Will

    Hmm.. i tend to not categorize my friends and relationships unless i have to. My relationships with people are all individual; some i see almost every day- others i see maybe once a year . . . or less. Everyone i consider a friend has contributed to my life in some way and i value each one for its uniqueness and support. As for time – there are some people i spend a lot of time with- mostly circumstantial; we like the same things so we go the same places. Sometimes we invite each other, other times its all happenstance.

  • http://twitter.com/fngkestrel Russ Fan

    I definitely understand the desire to want it all. There's so much out there to be experienced that it's easy to feel like one's missing out. I used to insist on maintaining some friendships because I really wanted them to succeed, but ultimately, the friendships evolved and grew on their own. I've grown apart from some people and closer to others, but the reason for it isn't always something I could have controlled.

    These inconsistent ones, what makes them inconsistent? I used to think some people were aloof and inconsistent, but after seeing why they acted that way, it didn't feel inconsistent, just a different way of interacting with people. That made it a lot easier to interact with them because I knew their expectations were different.

  • http://superduperfantastic.net/ suki

    Yeah, I think that's what I need to do. Realizing what the expectations are and going from there, rather than imposing my own set of expectations.

  • http://superduperfantastic.net/ suki

    I understand that in some friendships, you won't see the person as often, but it's not saying anything less about the particular friendship. However, if there's a person that I rarely see who NEVER calls or makes the effort to catch up now and again, it's a little disappointing… I think you just have to know when it's too long in between visits? :P

  • http://twitter.com/th3ron Theron

    I think relationships just happen. We can over think the process but when the time comes we make our decisions who we call, what we do, etc. It all comes down to the sum of what we want deep down inside and what others want from us every time we pick up our phones or fire up our computers.

    I have been spreading myself really thin over the last year or so meeting new people who have become basically acquaintances. Now things are changing so that I'm desiring more time with less people and more time to myself. This seems to me to be the natural cycle of things and I know that those people that are really special to me for whom I am special will naturally be the ones I end up spending more time with. Even if I pick and choose people those people may not be available to me and that's okay. I'll let things run their natural course and in the end I believe this will bring the best relationships together.

    As for old friends we tend to drift in and out of each others lives. Sometimes we get close and sometimes we just barely communicate, but once that relationship is established that closeness and familiarity never seems to go away, even when long times have passed. How much time to invest in old friends? I think it just happens, and when it does as much time as is needed or wanted. I get together twice a year with my college friends on an annual skiing trip and an annual river rafting trip.

    How much time to I invest? Is it really an investment when you are getting an immediate return? It's like saying I'm investing time in my education by reading, but the reality is I just love to read. I spend time with friends because I love it, and through that love comes more and deeper friendships.

  • keaneiscool

    It's human nature to categorize and segregate..

  • http://of.jennism.com/ Jenn

    This is a topic that has always been on my mind! In some form.

    Like my last year's phase on adding only “friends” to social networks (following only friends on twitter, adding friends on yelp, facebook..etc.), but it backfired as people got angry that I wouldn't add them until we met in person and determined the state of a friendship.

    I find that there are certain friends that you feel comfortable with—for specific situations. Do you invite certain people to go with you grocery shopping, to only bars/restaurants, to other activities? Or do you selectively not invite certain people to events knowing that they will be the “wet blanket”? Or do you spend time with the people…who are toxic? (for me, like the ones who belittle me but I realized recently that I don't need to be around them).

    Then there are the flakey ones which you seem to be referring to. But how do you build those who take time spent together as granted…as convenient? I try to do the 1 on 1 thing, but there are so many people who are not comfortable with that unless it's in group situations…and they are the flakey ones. As we get older, our circle becomes tighter even though the attendance of a party may get larger.

    Perhaps the question I often ask myself is…when I consider a friend: if that person moved across the country, would I go out of my way to see them? Or most importantly, would that person go out of their way to see me?

  • http://of.jennism.com/ Jenn

    This is a topic that has always been on my mind! In some form.

    Like my last year's phase on adding only “friends” to social networks (following only friends on twitter, adding friends on yelp, facebook..etc.), but it backfired as people got angry that I wouldn't add them until we met in person and determined the state of a friendship.

    I find that there are certain friends that you feel comfortable with—for specific situations. Do you invite certain people to go with you grocery shopping, to only bars/restaurants, to other activities? Or do you selectively not invite certain people to events knowing that they will be the “wet blanket”? Or do you spend time with the people…who are toxic? (for me, like the ones who belittle me but I realized recently that I don't need to be around them).

    Then there are the flakey ones which you seem to be referring to. But how do you build those who take time spent together as granted…as convenient? I try to do the 1 on 1 thing, but there are so many people who are not comfortable with that unless it's in group situations…and they are the flakey ones. As we get older, our circle becomes tighter even though the attendance of a party may get larger.

    Perhaps the question I often ask myself is…when I consider a friend: if that person moved across the country, would I go out of my way to see them? Or most importantly, would that person go out of their way to see me?

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