[Super Duper Fantastic] ISFP/INFP. 4w5. World Explorer. Super Hero. Rose-colored Glasses.

In November 2008, I asked myself the following six questions:

1. Who do I love, and what am I doing about it?
2. Am I pursuing my dream, or is fear stopping me?
3. Am I doing something that matters?
4. What am I doing to help others?
5. Am I as good a person as I want to be?
6. What am I doing to live life with passion, health and energy?

I plan on revisiting these questions every year.

If you decide to answer these questions, let me know where to find your answers [if you don't leave them in comments below].

1. Who do I love, and what am I doing about it?
Friends and family.

This part of the answer has not changed, but now that I am no longer living under the same roof as the immediate family, I make a conscious decision to eat dinner at their house to spend time with them.

In terms of friendship, after realizing that I shouldn’t waste time on those who don’t reciprocate the effort, it’s been easier.

2. Am I pursuing my dream, or is fear stopping me?
It seems you can add two years to a person’s life, and while it may bring about experiences, it doesn’t necessarily bring about clarity. I don’t feel as if I am going through the motions of life, but in terms of defining that one “dream,” it’s difficult.

I want to travel and see the world.

I want to continue learning.

I want to become involved around the city.

I want to be crafty.

These are just a few of many.

3. Am I doing something that matters?
The job that pays my bills isn’t a life or death matter, but I think everything else I do matters. It might not matter to the universe, but it matters to me.

4. What am I doing to help others?
Once in awhile, I still volunteer. I still donate to charity. I still make loans on Kiva. I’ll keep working on this one.

5. Am I as good a person as I want to be?
There’s always room for improvement, but I always remind myself not to break myself apart over imperfection. You are your own worst enemy, and if anyone could tear you down, it’d be yourself.

6. What am I doing to live life with passion, health and energy?
I’ll leave this one unanswered this time.

“I still need a little bit of alone time. I’m trying to satisfy what you need too most other times. Am I not doing well enough, honestly?”

“Well, you are too, so I don’t mind giving you what you want.”

I never thought of myself as the needy type, but I suppose when given the opportunity, I’ll take it. This is especially true for the rough times in the month when everything seems to crumble out of place. RV has been nothing less than accommodating and wonderful. He spoils me with the amount of time and attention he gives. I reciprocate. It’s a weird feeling, going from a long distance relationship of three years, to nothing, and then to seeing someone almost daily.

I kinda like it.

I’m clinging to RV like static these days. Must make the effort on NOT being like that. Working a billion hours will help. He’s also going to be taking classes again soon, so our time together will be limited. I’m wondering if the clingyness is due to: 1) insecurity or 2) enjoying all time spent together. Might be both.

Will discuss further if it becomes an issue.

In other news, I just came back from a trip up to visit his father for the holidays. It was a 2.5 hour drive away to middle-of-nowhere California. An interesting man with a very quirky personality. I can see now what characteristics that RV gets from both of his parents.

I am still putting together my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days, and it’s getting really hard because I want the list to matter. I don’t want it just to be of things to just cross off a list, even though those are easier. I may have a lot of those as filler. Six questions I thought about while working on the list:

1. Who do I love, and what am I doing about it?
Friends and family. Ever since this summer, I have not done as good of a job balancing between the two. Many of my friends do not have family nearby or live away from them, so their time is not split between the two. I went to dim sum today with the mom and sister, and it was just nice to have that mother-daughters time. I told her about RV. And of course, the first few questions were related to his race and whether or not he had a job.

2. Am I pursuing my dream, or is fear stopping me?
I don’t know what my dream is anymore, and that might be the problem. I’m going through the motions of life. I suppose it’s always been my goal to make the most of life, but that doesn’t necessarily constitute “a dream.” Am I stopping myself?

3. Am I doing something that matters?
I often talk about how my work is not a life or death matter, so as not to be stressed about it. However, in the end, the work does matter to someone out there. What other things can I do to make “it” matter?

4. What am I doing to help others?
Once in awhile, I volunteer. I go down to the food bank and help sort rice or beans. Sometimes I donate to charity. I also make loans on Kiva. What else can I do to help others? I’m thinking that it does not necessarily have to be someone or some group that I don’t know personally. Helping out a friend or acquaintance would count just the same.

5. Am I as good a person as I want to be?
I think so. There’s room for improvement, but I won’t put the pressure on.

6. What am I doing to live life with passion, health and energy?
They all sort of tie together, with this one as the big one. Passion, health, and energy? I often find myself exhausted and tired, knowing that my time was not well-spent. Ugh. It disgusts me. I need to take part in activities that invigorate and wake me up!

To follow up, the situation with JM sunk in and might have just muddled itself. We chatted briefly the other day. Well, it was more like me telling him what was up over instant messenger, but it was better than just disappearing completely. We shall see.

RV and I are dating now. I have seen him every day for the last two weeks, and he tells me silly things like how he’s not annoyed with me yet, or that he’s surprised that I’m not annoyed with him yet. We get along just great, but we often joke about breaking each other’s hearts and not really liking each other at all. We are a bizarre pair.

It’s a great feeling to realize that the one person you were dating for a while wasn’t the only one out there for you. There’s more out there, and it’s just a matter of being in the right time and place to find one another. I’m not saying that this current situation is more than just the two of us getting along very well, but it’s nice to know that there’s a possibility.

Okay, so I haven’t told JM anything more than not being able to go to San Diego with him at the end of the month. All the while, I’m starting something new and wonderful with someone else. Ugh, I’m horrible. I didn’t want to talk about it over messenger or email him about it, but I guess it might resort to that since we’re busy all the time.

It’s not like we were boyfriend/girlfriend. We were just dating, seeing each other 1-3 times a week. If I don’t do anything, will it just go away? Maybe?

This Someecard summarizes how I feel about dating. Leave it to me to sit there in an awkward silence. Hahaha. I love this site. It’s got quite a few gems on there.

I went hiking today on one of the trails around the resort area. It was a quiet and quick trek through the woods. A very calming, relaxing experience. I know that I had some epiphany while hiking, but being the smart person that I am, I didn’t write it down. I should’ve known better. Thoughts leave my mind as quickly as they enter. I need to work on my memory.

Prior to the hike, I caught up with a co-worker from Los Angeles whom I had not seen in several years. Actually, I lie. I caught up on the news of him in class with someone else. The last time, he was engaged and ready to be married. Apparently, their marriage didn’t last very long. So I didn’t bring up the hot topic of relationships with him when we did speak, and he mentioned that he was actually on his way to the London office.

Wow, what a difference a few years makes. One minute, you think you’re ready to settle down. The next, you’re moving to another country. I guess he’s got a bit of soul-searching ahead. When will I pick up my bags and go? Will I be leaving everything behind or taking it all with me?

The sunset was beautiful tonight. I took pictures with my phone. Will post ‘em tomorrow.

You like her, don’t you?

Why don’t you do something about it?

It’s just really frustrating.

I want to corner you and shake some sense into you.

She’s not going to wait around for you to wake the fuck up.

Okay, I’ll keep myself out of it.

I don’t like being cryptic. It makes me feel like I am hiding from my blog. So here’s the story about the meeting of a guy. Two months ago, I meet a guy at a bar. I am there with some newly-made friends. He’s there waiting for his. We speak briefly – at most 20 minutes, off and on. At the end of the evening, we go our separate ways. Several days later, we are in attendance at the same event. We exchange greetings and introduce each other to our friends. I spend most of my evening around other people. Really I do not think much of it at this point…

Over the course of two months, numbers/emails are exchanged. On several occasions, we have dinner – just the two of us. I still don’t think much of it since having dinner with a friend doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. We start hanging out together quite a bit, mostly among friends. We continue our chatting, and at some point – it just happens. We have talked about it, tried to pinpoint it, but really can’t. Apparently, he has been dropping hints all this time [Actually, since that "same event" we attended awhile back], and I’m not getting all of them. Then he drops the ball [after some consultation with my sister], and I’m not exactly opposed to it. So the mutual flirtation continues and escalates.

Only problem is that the guy comes with baggage – A LOT of it. Where do I begin? He’s married. His marriage has been on a destructive path for awhile – separate rooms, separate lives. No, I am so not the home-wrecking type. The divorce/separation, while in progress, has not been finalized, so lots of strings attached. He has also been unemployed for several months. Definitely not a high point in his life to be meeting him. What am I doing, right?

So when he asked me at dinner this evening if we could still remain friends if we weren’t romantically involved, I was not the least bit surprised. I have a conscience. I’d been thinking about it for awhile, but I just couldn’t bring myself to doing it. So in a way, I was relieved that he took the initiative. The idea of “us” while he still has so much to figure out would only add to the confusion. So as of this evening, back to square one – friends.

My interactions with him have been all about open communication, which I am so appreciative of. I, on the other hand, need more time to think before I can speak. He wanted some sort of reaction from me, and all I could tell him was that I needed some time to digest. Was it relief that I felt? Probably. Slight disappointment? Possibly.

Admittedly, it was fun to be giddy again about someone.

But here’s the thing – you don’t really feel the same amount of hurt or loss when you go in without expectations, and there’s really nothing being broken up. You still feel some degree of hurt though.